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No One Likes to Pee Alone

Me: Go outside, dogs.

Big Dog: Okay.

Little Dog: And do what?

Me: And pee.

Little Dog: But it’s cold.

Me: Not that cold.

Little Dog: And dark.

Me: The light’s on.

Little Dog: If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather wait.

Me: The guys are coming to do work under the house tomorrow.

Little Dog: So?

Me: So you won’t be able to use the yard in the morning, and you hate to do your thing on a leash.

Little Dog: Still, I think I’ll hold it.

Me: (calling) How’s it going, Big Dog?

Big Dog: I am thinking.

Me: About peeing?

Big Dog: Thinking…Thinking…

Me: Get going, Little Dog, before Big Dog finishes thinking.

Little Dog: It would help if you would stand with me.

Me: While you pee?

Little Dog: I get lonely when we’re apart.

Me: GO. PEE.

Little Dog: Geez. There’s no reason to get an attitude about it.

Me: Are you done?

Little Dog: Of course I’m done. I don’t want to freeze to death.

Me: It’s coastal California, and you’re covered in fur.

Little Dog: It could happen is all I’m saying.

Me: Big Dog, how’s it coming along?

Big Dog: I am thinking.

Me: Stop thinking and start peeing.

Big Dog: I do not think I can do that, nice lady.

Me: Why not, Big Dog?

Big Dog: I cannot pee with this strange thing in my yard.

Me: That’s just a woodpile.

Big Dog: I cannot pee with…

Me: Just do it.

Big Dog: …this strange thing in my yard. I will wait.

Me: DO. IT.

Big Dog: No, thank you.

Me: Goddamn it, Big Dog.

Little Dog: You mean I risked freezing to go outside and pee, even though I really really didn’t want to, and it turns out all I had to do was say no? What a crock of shit.

Me: This is not helping, Little Dog. Big Dog, what’s it gonna take?

Big Dog: You could stand in front of the strange thing.

Me: What?

Big Dog: You could stand in front of the strange thing and protect me from it while I pee.

Little Dog: You mean I risked freezing and peed, ALL BY MYSELF, when I could have –

Me: Shut up, Little Dog. All right, Big Dog, I’m protecting you. Now get busy.

Big Dog: I am. I am getting busy. Thank you nice lady.

Little Dog: This is a crock of shit, is all I’m saying.

Me: I can’t believe we have to do this every night is all I’m saying.

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